A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
