dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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