We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
