As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
