Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
