You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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