It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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