If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
