I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
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