the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
