Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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