For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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