maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
be right there i have to get my cape
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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