Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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