I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
