Just fell off a train. Bad.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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