somebody snuck up and got me drunk
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
she told me i tasted like america
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
