if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
