Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
