how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
