oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
