Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
