Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
