Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
