I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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