we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
