Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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