dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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