she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
