The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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