Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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