Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
he just fucked me for my cheese.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
