Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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