the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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