Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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