I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
