i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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