On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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