just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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