My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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