I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
