you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
