I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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