i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
