remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
In other news, I just burned my penis
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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