I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I stole a fireplace last night.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
