How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
