I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize