She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
