He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
