I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
sarcasm needs its own font
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
