im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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