Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
