Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
We had to coat check the pizza.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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