I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
