Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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