Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
