i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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