we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
