Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
