im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
