k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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