I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
