We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Randomize
