So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
