This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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