How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
