I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
