my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
