After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
