i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
