I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
