Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize