Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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