Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
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