His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
