I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
