it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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